“A first child is your own best foot forward, and how you do cheer those little feet as they strike out. You examine every turn of flesh for precocity, and crow it to the world. But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after–oh, that’ s love by a different name.”
My beautiful baby girl,
You turned one today.
When I went to get you out of your crib (after lovingly letting Mommy sleep in on her day off) you greeted me with your daily radiant morning smile… Ready to tackle the day, happy, content and excited. Just a few of the personality traits that makes you – you…. the little wonder we know as our Kenna-girl!
I don’t know where the last year has gone and why it had to go so fast. Today you are no longer a baby… you’re a beautiful bouncing bundle of toddler who continues to steal our hearts with your infectious all the time smile, witty expressions and sparky sense of life. Today is bittersweet for me, I had hoped to keep you a baby forever….
It seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with you. I had wanted you, planned you almost down to to the day and still, you were a total shock to me – an overjoyed excited amazing shock. I ran downstairs to tell Daddy and like always he was Mr. Conservative… “lets wait to see what the Dr. says before we go getting too exited”.
But I knew, I knew you were meant to be and that you would be the final piece that would complete our family.
I knew deep down in my bones that you were a girl from the moment I knew I was pregnant with you….even days before getting the positive pregnancy test.
I knew you were there – something in me instantly changed. It was a feeling inside of me that burned deep into my heart – although I constantly told others I thought you were a boy. (I didn’t want to ginx it).
June 11, 2013 my Dr. told me it was time for you to come into the world. I was more excited than I’d ever been before. I couldn’t wait to see you, couldn’t wait to get my hands on you and snuggle you for hours.
I had been waiting for you, hoping for you for as long as I can remember. I have always wanted a daughter – you are the answers to prayers I have prayed my entire life. The day you were born I spent hours just staring at you, figuring you out. I couldn’t stop kissing you and discovering each and every feature you had.
When your brother was a baby, I couldn’t wait for all his “firsts”. I was so excited for him to crawl, walk, talk – he grew up too fast and in many ways that was my own doing. Many days I wish to go back to when he was tiny and could fit into the crevice of my arms and I know it’s something I can never get back.
You were different….
I spent a lot of time just holding you, letting you be a baby – I never wanted to put you down. I wasn’t ready for you to crawl, or walk or do anything really… I just wanted to keep you little for as long as I could. I savored every moment snuggling you. My favorite moments with you were right before you went to sleep at night. For an entire year, every night (minus maybe a dozen times) I rocked you to sleep. I would sit there as long as I could just to hold you. I wanted it to last forever. Maybe because I knew how fast it goes after doing it with your big brother…. I wanted to savor every moment of you.
There is something different for me about having a daughter. I don’t know if it is because I am a woman myself but I constantly find myself wondering about your future, who you are going to become, what you are going to be like and if I can teach you everything you need to know to succeed. From the second you entered this world I felt an unexplained bond to you, I felt like you and I were the same yet different, that we would be etched in one another for the rest of our lives.
Everyday I find myself wondering about the person you will someday marry, my thoughts shift to prom dress shopping and mother daughter weekend trips we may take. I wonder what your favorite color will be, who you will be friends with, what type of woman you will become. I often think these same things about your brother but it’s just different with you – different in a way I can’t exactly put my finger on.
I can only hope your life turns out exactly as you hope and dream it will. I can only dream that you are as happy as I am once you are grown up.
In the past year you have taught me so much. After your brother I thought I had this “mom” thing down pretty good… and boy have you given us a run for our money . From the sleepless nights which we knew nothing of… to taking your sweet time to sit, crawl and even stand… you always kept us on our toes. You have always been a happy baby… always with a smile on your face – except when your not getting enough attention and you are sure to let everyone around you know when your feeling neglected. You love to snuggle and to be held and you love to growl, sing and play with your brother. You are always getting into things and we constantly have to make sure you’re not getting into too much trouble. You make us laugh every day and are always doing silly things to get a reaction.
You are a pure joy in our lives.
On your first Birthday I want you to know how loved you are. I want you to know you will forever be our Princess and that you stole our hearts from the moment we laid eyes on you. I want you to know you can always come to me – for anything. There is nothing you can do that will make me unlove you, or even unlike you. I want you to know how beautiful, gorgeous, unbelievable you are and that you can do anything you want in this life- and that I will help you if you need me to, always. I want you to know, I am not perfect, I have made mistakes but that everyday since your brother has been born I have tried to be a better person… for him, for you and for our family. I want you to know that I will continue to make mistakes (undoubtedly) and my promise to you is that I take every opportunity to improve myself for as long as I live. I want you to know how much I love your father and that just because we argue sometimes does not mean we don’t love one another – because we do, very very much.
I want you to know you are a direct product of our love and that we spend everyday doing everything we can to make life wonderful and amazing for you and your brother. I want you to know how proud of you I am… always. I want you to know as you grow up how important it is to always have girlfriends, to believe in yourself and to know your self-worth. You hold the key to your own happiness and I want you to stop at nothing to achieve your dreams.
I want you to know how much your Daddy adores you… how he looks at you, and tells you can do no wrongs – how he is serious. How he also imagines your wedding day, walking you down the aisle… but in the more realistic future, dancing with you on his toes, teaching you how to fish and how to play soccer.
I want to you know that some days I catch him staring at you when he thinks I am not watching and I know he has also longed for you, dreamed of you and waited for you – just as I have.
I want you to know how much your brother looks out for you. Although in the beginning it was a bit touch and go and we were a smidgen worried about how much he would actually like you, he has come around and has become enamored with you. I want you to know that no matter what he is your brother and that you need to look out for him and to be on his side just as much as he is on yours. I want you to know how amazing it is for me to see the two of you together… how much joy and pride the two of you bring to my world and how you have changed my life for the better in more ways then I even know how to explain.
I want you to always know that you and your brother are my greatest accomplishments – that you are everything I could ever dream of and more and that you take my breath away…. my beautiful angel.
Happy First Birthday Princess.
Always, all my heart ~Mommy